GOHTZA TO BUY OWEN FOR SPARES
Gohtza City are to buy Michael Owen with a view to breaking the player down for parts.
The England striker is set to leave Newcastle after the club decided its Premiership fight back stood a greater chance of success with younger, more promising players battling for a place on the treatment table.
Gohtza coach Nicholas Millar said: "He's got a great footballing brain, a lovely right foot and has massive heart. All great assets in the bodies of players who aren't made of dry twigs."
Millar said his bid for Owen was prompted after receiving a DVD advertising the sometimes-striker, adding: "It was a showreel of goals mixed with Michael clutching his thigh in agony, although I did notice none of the footage was dated after 2001."
Owen's parts have been earmarked, with Arnold Ripley set for a major overhaul. Millar said: "Arnold's been in decline for years but he'll be back to his best after we've fitted him Michael Owen's hips and eyelids."
He added: "I just hope Parcelforce don't jiggle him about too much in transit. I don't want any toes falling off leading to a big argument with Newcastle about whether the toes had already fallen off before they posted him."
On completion of the limb and organ harvesting, Owen will be refitted with reconditioned player parts from the Gohtza squad. A club spokesman said he would eventually look like a 'clean-cut, twinkle-eyed bag of offal'.
Meanwhile Owen's hamstrings will be sold to British Nuclear Fuels who have been searching desperately for a substance with a shorter half-life than enriched Uranium.
by Nicholas Millar, manager of Gohtza City